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Thursday, October 11, 2012


Good friends are hard to come by. You met some; most would just come & go…you exchanged stories and experiences and when it’s time to move on, they somehow disappear. I’ve changed jobs couple of times, over the years I’m in touch with very few of those friends that I knew and used to hang out. Some time I missed those accessible moments but then again, you can’t get too attached. After all, you only knew them while working. You hang out on weekdays 5 days a week, 10 hours a day…that’s it.

Now with Facebook, most of those friends are in my list, heck I even have those I knew in my primary school. But it’s not the same though. These friends were among those you have met before, in the same school, same class or clubs…same departments, same companies...your colleagues, was your boss, your clients, the regular lunch partner, those you met at a conferences etc. But they don’t know you so much so they only knew my name and how I was like back then! As a friend, I am not really the best kind of character. I am approachable & friendly but I am easily detached. Few would mean something to me but I’ve never had friends that I would spend my weekends, shopping & outings...friends that would come over 12am just to have a shoulder to cry on (emm…ok I had one moment of that time…but that would be another story). To me they come and go…once they’re gone because you have changed school or jobs…you make new friends at your new place. So, at the end I don’t have best friends, or BFFs or bosom buddies.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have names of friends that are close to my heart. One point of time they mean a lot to me and I genuinely offered them an honest friendship – meaning I don’t hide my character; I share my thoughts freely with them without thinking that I am being judged. And I still would make time to have lunches or tea or dinner or weekends hang outs if they wanna hang out with me. We occasionally says our “Hellos” and “How’s it going” through text messages and FB and have a cup of coffee for an hour or 2 updating our lives and so on.

People say, the best of friends are those who knew who you are as a person and forgive your mistakes and accept you back even when you have f@#%ed big time. So I guess even the best of friends would have arguments and quarrels but at the end because they are best friends they can go back to the way they were...Right? Then I guess the only person in my life that I can fought and quarrel with but at the end we would kiss & make up would be my sister…and my youngest brother. They’re not my friends but my siblings...does that count??? Anyone else other than that would mean…I would slowly disappear and never to return call again. I can be forgiving (eventually) and I am not stubborn to say “I’m sorry” but to have gone thru that and be buddies again, may take a while. I don’t hold grudges (eerrrrr maybe I do)…but like I said, I don’t have best friends so most of the friends I have we don’t take things personally…we laugh…jokes and tease each other, at times we talk about serious stuff, lend them the ears to listen to their problems, give advices and opinions if required.

One time I cried because of a friend accused me and said nasty words to me despite I constantly apologize for the misunderstanding…I wasn’t sure what trigger her anger (I’ll spare you the details of the event) but I must say, what she had said to me was hurtful enough. Mind you this was a friend that used to call me to talk to me about her problems and was going through personal rough moments and was having a tough time career wise. I didn’t return her call much later, she changed job moved out from the country but did try to rekindle the friendship, but I’ve changed. I cannot go back and be her friend anymore, we are civil towards each other now but I don’t want to go back to the way we used to be.

And another time, back in the school days…a close friend got an offer to study abroad. She left without saying goodbye and didn’t even tell me about her getting the offer. When the school ended she just disappeared. Several times I tried to get in touch with her but fail. Mind you this was a friend that used to hang out with me at school EVERYDAY! I was sad actually…and then a year ago we had our school reunion. I met her and we exchange gestures. The 1st thing I said to her was “what happened to you? How come you never get in touch with me?” She couldn’t say anything except she was sorry and she couldn’t find the time to do so. Ahhh!! OK then…she gave me her business card, now she is working at TNB and just got married. I congratulate her, took photos with the rest and parted as we walked along the buffet table. It triggers me, if my friendship means something to her, she would have make the time to at least say goodbye or call me…or write to say hello again…but she didn’t because she was far too busy. Then I suppose the nature of our friendship wasn’t mutual after all. I guess its ok now. I have moved on. I chucked away her business card somewhere, didn’t bother to give her mine actually cos I knew she’s not gonna call (unless I am a big star or rich babe or a politician that she would wanna have connection with), so why bother.

How lucky can I get to have similar incidents with a different friend that I knew during my form 6 where this girl used to get free ride from my car to school? She hanged out with me almost every school break and we were prefect at school…then when the school ended…I didn’t hear any news from her. Through the others I got to know she entered the local U, grad and God knows what else. Then one fine day she greeted me in FB. She is married now with 3 kids just quit job and ironically lives in the same neighbourhood with me. “LUCKY ME!!” I met her once during a surau activities and that was it. Guess we weren’t that close after all to be buddies again this time.

Oh well! At this age I don’t expect to “collect” best friends, I am fine where I am now. I am much too occupied to be worried if my friends love me enough…it’s OK. I got few that I care and pray hard enough they feel the same way about me.

I am off to any new chapter, transferring to PosLaju soon and no longer will be in Corporate Planning. Found few good friends there that I will make a point to retain but I WILL NOT MISS the department and the boss. There will be another story on this, I hope. ADIEU CPD!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I will not forget

Maybe it's the coming age, or maybe by chance I have come to a realization of a new found wisdom (which is actually nothing new). I realized now that those who are receiving help are among those who are genuinely seeking with an open heart.

I have always been a spiritually cautious person but hardly pay serious attention to it. In pure distractions, I neglected my spiritual need and let it go astray. I constantly try to make the right decision and would always want to put up a good strong image that I am respectful and honest muslim. I wear my head scarf (most of time)…I kept Quran in my home, prayer mats hang nicely in my room, but I put too many excuses and delays what should be my priorities. Whilst my aqidah remained intact, but like any distracted human being, I forget.

The motion of life brings you the ups & downs…we often rejoice and celebrate happiness and most often enough reflect whenever in a moment of despair. And yet, forget to be grateful when we manage to pull ourselves out from the black hole. I am one of those guilty ones.

6 months ago, I come across an individual by the name of Joshua Evans in youtube, where this American young man converted into muslim, how he had studied the bible and make an academic comparison of faiths. Brother Joshua discovered Islam much later, but how he had turn out to be 10 years down the road, was an eye opener for me. From him I discovered several other individuals, from one website to another...from blogs to forums, a web show and talks, speeches and videos. I have realized how ignorant I have been. When there are people out there constantly seeking the truth, whilst I have seen the truth and self proclaimed that I do believe in those truths, yet I took my faith for granted.

By understanding what was missing, self discoveries was an easy thing. Obligation to pray 5 times a day was an easy task now. Reminding yourself of your sole purpose for existence is effortless. I am grateful.

I don’t believe in coincidence. Things happen for a reason. That 2 hours spend watching Johsua Evan in youtube was a turning point of self realization. I constantly seek for more, because I realized my curiosity to know more did not just stop after that 2 hours video. I read my Quran more now, and learn to know those words. My solat has become a natural need more than anything. I look forward to those prayers times. And now I seek for perfection to prove my faith.

Masyallah, with Your blessings, let me be strong and true. May You guide me to Your path…and don’t You allow me to forget anymore…amin.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Boikot untuk menulis....

Hari ni, dah masuk tahun baru...hampir 6 bulan lebih kita tak menulis apa-apa. Sejak Julai, kita tersadai di rumah berjinak-jinak dengan title baru sebagai suri rumah sepenuh masa, freelancer separuh masa. Sejak itulah, mood nak mengupdate status diri di FB diketepikan...nak mengolah pendapat dalam blog pun kita abaikan. Idea banyak tapi kita taknak ingatkan perasaan hampa kerana tak dapat respon dari mana-mana tempat yang kita cuba apply.

Sebulan dua tak kerja masih rasa OK, duit simpanan ada lagi. Tengah enjoy "cuti" habis-habisan. Jauh di lubuk hati, rasa kecewa tu ada...mula rasa rendah diri dan ragu tentang keupayaan diri. Aku ni belajar sampai ke UK, ijazah ada...dulu gaji boleh tahan sekarang..takkan takde kerja? Bukan merendah-rendahkan mertabat housewife nie, memang ada keseronokkannya..dapat layan anak-anak, attend to homework dan sentiasa accessible bila-bila masa. Masuk bulan ke 4 dah mula rasa resah. Kenapa takde company respond to my application? Am I that irrelevant? By then, kita dah mula pikir...maybe I should take my freelance role full time? Or should I do my MBA? or should I continue pray hard enough that Haris would landed a deal that could give enough income that I need not worry about working again?

By Dec, lagi satu peluang datang...kawan lama yang baru join Hicom update yang bos dia mencari orang...kali ni alhamdulillah...rezeki sudah tersurat. Suatu penantian terjawab. Allah makbulkan satu permintaan untuk kita mendapat perkerjaan lagi. Mungkin the learning here..jangan berputus asa, jangan cepat mengalah...jangan berhenti berusaha dan jangan berhenti berdoa...Amin.

Pos Malaysia, here I come!!!