Friends

Good friends are hard to come by. You met some; most would just come & go…you exchanged stories and experiences and when it’s time to move on, they somehow disappear. I’ve changed jobs couple of times, over the years I’m in touch with very few of those friends that I knew and used to hang out. Some time I missed those accessible moments but then again, you can’t get too attached. After all, you only knew them while working. You hang out on weekdays 5 days a week, 10 hours a day…that’s it.


Now with Facebook, most of those friends are in my list, heck I even have those I knew in my primary school. But it’s not the same though. These friends were among those you have met before, in the same school, same class or clubs…same departments, same companies...your colleagues, was your boss, your clients, the regular lunch partner, those you met at a conferences etc. But they don’t know you so much so they only knew my name and how I was like back then! As a friend, I am not really the best kind of character. I am approachable & friendly but I am easily detached. Few would mean something to me but I’ve never had friends that I would spend my weekends, shopping & outings...friends that would come over 12am just to have a shoulder to cry on (emm…ok I had one moment of that time…but that would be another story). To me they come and go…once they’re gone because you have changed school or jobs…you make new friends at your new place. So, at the end I don’t have best friends, or BFFs or bosom buddies.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have names of friends that are close to my heart. One point of time they mean a lot to me and I genuinely offered them an honest friendship – meaning I don’t hide my character; I share my thoughts freely with them without thinking that I am being judged. And I still would make time to have lunches or tea or dinner or weekends hang outs if they wanna hang out with me. We occasionally says our “Hellos” and “How’s it going” through text messages and FB and have a cup of coffee for an hour or 2 updating our lives and so on.

People say, the best of friends are those who knew who you are as a person and forgive your mistakes and accept you back even when you have f@#%ed big time. So I guess even the best of friends would have arguments and quarrels but at the end because they are best friends they can go back to the way they were...Right? Then I guess the only person in my life that I can fought and quarrel with but at the end we would kiss & make up would be my sister…and my youngest brother. They’re not my friends but my siblings...does that count??? Anyone else other than that would mean…I would slowly disappear and never to return call again. I can be forgiving (eventually) and I am not stubborn to say “I’m sorry” but to have gone thru that and be buddies again, may take a while. I don’t hold grudges (eerrrrr maybe I do)…but like I said, I don’t have best friends so most of the friends I have we don’t take things personally…we laugh…jokes and tease each other, at times we talk about serious stuff, lend them the ears to listen to their problems, give advices and opinions if required.

One time I cried because of a friend accused me and said nasty words to me despite I constantly apologize for the misunderstanding…I wasn’t sure what trigger her anger (I’ll spare you the details of the event) but I must say, what she had said to me was hurtful enough. Mind you this was a friend that used to call me to talk to me about her problems and was going through personal rough moments and was having a tough time career wise. I didn’t return her call much later, she changed job moved out from the country but did try to rekindle the friendship, but I’ve changed. I cannot go back and be her friend anymore, we are civil towards each other now but I don’t want to go back to the way we used to be.

And another time, back in the school days…a close friend got an offer to study abroad. She left without saying goodbye and didn’t even tell me about her getting the offer. When the school ended she just disappeared. Several times I tried to get in touch with her but fail. Mind you this was a friend that used to hang out with me at school EVERYDAY! I was sad actually…and then a year ago we had our school reunion. I met her and we exchange gestures. The 1st thing I said to her was “what happened to you? How come you never get in touch with me?” She couldn’t say anything except she was sorry and she couldn’t find the time to do so. Ahhh!! OK then…she gave me her business card, now she is working at TNB and just got married. I congratulate her, took photos with the rest and parted as we walked along the buffet table. It triggers me, if my friendship means something to her, she would have make the time to at least say goodbye or call me…or write to say hello again…but she didn’t because she was far too busy. Then I suppose the nature of our friendship wasn’t mutual after all. I guess its ok now. I have moved on. I chucked away her business card somewhere, didn’t bother to give her mine actually cos I knew she’s not gonna call (unless I am a big star or rich babe or a politician that she would wanna have connection with), so why bother.

How lucky can I get to have similar incidents with a different friend that I knew during my form 6 where this girl used to get free ride from my car to school? She hanged out with me almost every school break and we were prefect at school…then when the school ended…I didn’t hear any news from her. Through the others I got to know she entered the local U, grad and God knows what else. Then one fine day she greeted me in FB. She is married now with 3 kids just quit job and ironically lives in the same neighbourhood with me. “LUCKY ME!!” I met her once during a surau activities and that was it. Guess we weren’t that close after all to be buddies again this time.

Oh well! At this age I don’t expect to “collect” best friends, I am fine where I am now. I am much too occupied to be worried if my friends love me enough…it’s OK. I got few that I care and pray hard enough they feel the same way about me.

I am off to any new chapter, transferring to PosLaju soon and no longer will be in Corporate Planning. Found few good friends there that I will make a point to retain but I WILL NOT MISS the department and the boss. There will be another story on this, I hope. ADIEU CPD!!

I will not forget

Maybe it's the coming age, or maybe by chance I have come to a realization of a new found wisdom (which is actually nothing new). I realized now that those who are receiving help are among those who are genuinely seeking with an open heart.

I have always been a spiritually cautious person but hardly pay serious attention to it. In pure distractions, I neglected my spiritual need and let it go astray. I constantly try to make the right decision and would always want to put up a good strong image that I am respectful and honest muslim. I wear my head scarf (most of time)…I kept Quran in my home, prayer mats hang nicely in my room, but I put too many excuses and delays what should be my priorities. Whilst my aqidah remained intact, but like any distracted human being, I forget.

The motion of life brings you the ups & downs…we often rejoice and celebrate happiness and most often enough reflect whenever in a moment of despair. And yet, forget to be grateful when we manage to pull ourselves out from the black hole. I am one of those guilty ones.

6 months ago, I come across an individual by the name of Joshua Evans in youtube, where this American young man converted into muslim, how he had studied the bible and make an academic comparison of faiths. Brother Joshua discovered Islam much later, but how he had turn out to be 10 years down the road, was an eye opener for me. From him I discovered several other individuals, from one website to another...from blogs to forums, a web show and talks, speeches and videos. I have realized how ignorant I have been. When there are people out there constantly seeking the truth, whilst I have seen the truth and self proclaimed that I do believe in those truths, yet I took my faith for granted.

By understanding what was missing, self discoveries was an easy thing. Obligation to pray 5 times a day was an easy task now. Reminding yourself of your sole purpose for existence is effortless. I am grateful.

I don’t believe in coincidence. Things happen for a reason. That 2 hours spend watching Johsua Evan in youtube was a turning point of self realization. I constantly seek for more, because I realized my curiosity to know more did not just stop after that 2 hours video. I read my Quran more now, and learn to know those words. My solat has become a natural need more than anything. I look forward to those prayers times. And now I seek for perfection to prove my faith.

Masyallah, with Your blessings, let me be strong and true. May You guide me to Your path…and don’t You allow me to forget anymore…amin.

Boikot untuk menulis....

Hari ni, dah masuk tahun baru...hampir 6 bulan lebih kita tak menulis apa-apa. Sejak Julai, kita tersadai di rumah berjinak-jinak dengan title baru sebagai suri rumah sepenuh masa, freelancer separuh masa. Sejak itulah, mood nak mengupdate status diri di FB diketepikan...nak mengolah pendapat dalam blog pun kita abaikan. Idea banyak tapi kita taknak ingatkan perasaan hampa kerana tak dapat respon dari mana-mana tempat yang kita cuba apply.

Sebulan dua tak kerja masih rasa OK, duit simpanan ada lagi. Tengah enjoy "cuti" habis-habisan. Jauh di lubuk hati, rasa kecewa tu ada...mula rasa rendah diri dan ragu tentang keupayaan diri. Aku ni belajar sampai ke UK, ijazah ada...dulu gaji boleh tahan sekarang..takkan takde kerja? Bukan merendah-rendahkan mertabat housewife nie, memang ada keseronokkannya..dapat layan anak-anak, attend to homework dan sentiasa accessible bila-bila masa. Masuk bulan ke 4 dah mula rasa resah. Kenapa takde company respond to my application? Am I that irrelevant? By then, kita dah mula pikir...maybe I should take my freelance role full time? Or should I do my MBA? or should I continue pray hard enough that Haris would landed a deal that could give enough income that I need not worry about working again?

By Dec, lagi satu peluang datang...kawan lama yang baru join Hicom update yang bos dia mencari orang...kali ni alhamdulillah...rezeki sudah tersurat. Suatu penantian terjawab. Allah makbulkan satu permintaan untuk kita mendapat perkerjaan lagi. Mungkin the learning here..jangan berputus asa, jangan cepat mengalah...jangan berhenti berusaha dan jangan berhenti berdoa...Amin.

Pos Malaysia, here I come!!!

11km

(A post that I forgot to publish in April 2011)

Alhamdulillah..I have survived the 11km run at the Sepang I Circuit. Organized by Energizer.
Last March I've signed up for this quarter marathon thinking somewhat optimistic about it. I was eager to train building up my stamina. Lucky enough a fellow colleague Jennifer was my running partner - occasionally in a week we would run at the nearest Cyberjaya lake. I wouldn't say I was completely fit but..at least I didn't collapse after running for 30mins! Which is a pretty good sign..for a 38 years old!

I am very proud of myself...that night was a memorable night for me.
1. It was my very first run
2. in Sepang circuit
3. and I ran for 1.40mins
4.Running a quarter marathon is one of my bucket's list.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that it was pretty drilling. But I did ran for 11km. I am pretty ambitious to do another one. :)

Tiga bulan dah...

Sejak Julai kita dah tak bekerja. Nak panggil diri penganggur...tak rasa macam menganggur pun. Depress? Tak jugak...memula masa dengar berita company nak buat lagi satu round re-organisation...I expected the worst. Laid off lagi ker...tutup kedai...pindah?...Pemutusnya, dalam bulan April, management buat annoucement. TRICAP di Malaysia terpaksa di tutup. Tapi hanya ada wakil di Bangkok, di mana sekarang memang dah ada Telenor Asia di sana. Kami di beri pampasan mengikut tempoh tahun berkhidmat. Ada yang dapat lebih dari 100k..tapi takkan sama dengan adanya kerja yang menjaminkan gaji bulanan. Kita tak rasa takut...cuak atau pun bengang. Mungkin rasanya, dah sampai waktu. Dulu tiap-tiap projek kami terpaksa membuktikan diri dengan orang putih yang kita pun sepandai mereka walaupun takde PhD bergulung, kami tetap boleh buat kerja. Mostly pun local business units suka bekerja dengan kami. Tapi yelah..nak salahkan politik dalam company..sapelah kita nie, union tak kuat..tak macam kat sana!But, without a doubt, bekerja di Telenor memang berbaloi! Tak pernah rasa seselesa, teman sepejabat macam adik beradik! Kami rapat..hinggakan masing-masing masak dengan perangai buruk dan baik!..dan menerima seadanya! Takde tempat bekerja yang se-open dan transparent. Kami diberi kebebasan dan peluang untuk berkembang. Walaupun penghujungnya setakat ini, kita rasa bersyukur. Membuat keputusan tiga tahun dulu untuk bekerja di disitu. Tempat kerja pun cantik, percaya tak kami bekerja di resort? Penuh kehijauan dan ketenangan! Berpeluang merantau sambil bekerja, berjumpa & berkenalan dengan kawan-kawan dari luar negara...Dhaka, Islamabad, Bangkok, India....Norway...

Terasa rindu bekerja tu memang ada, tapi tak mungkin berpeluang bekerja seperti di Telenor. Susah nak dapat syarikat yang memberi sepenuh kepercayaan & kelonggaran waktu bekerja. Anyway...sekarang episod baru. Terpaksa meng-update CV...jenguk jobstreet..contact headhunter...tapi rasa liat betul! Seronok jugak duduk di rumah. Pagi-pagi dapat siapkan breakfast anak-anak. Masa bulan puasa..sempat menghantar Hazrik ke sekolah so that dia boleh tido lebih sikit selepas sahur. Tiap-tiap pagi..dapat mandikan Hakeem..dapat berborak lebih panjang dengan Maira, dapat beli groceries bila-bila masa..takyah tunggu hujung minggu. Dapat ber-garden, 2-3 buku novel habis di baca..dan dah dua kali bawa budak-budak tengok wayang! Sejak tak bekerja kita jadi peminat setia NCIS, Bones, Relapse..abis semua episod kita cover! :)

Nak masuk tiga bulan macam nie...rasanya dah cukup masa berehat kot?

Ok..gambar-gambar nie takde kena mengena dengan cerita..saje je nak upload gambar anak angkat baru..Cloe & Leo. Yang kuning tu Ginger...dia dah lama dengan we all!!

Drama Minggu Ini

Tiga hari lepas, ibu telefon "ayah jatuh longkang masa tengah main golf kat Bangi!".."Is he OK?"..Ibu jawab "OK, calar kat siku and dada..dia OK cuma jalan senget la jugak!" Nasib baik takde major injuries setakat calar-calar tapi longkang tu dalam la jugak; tak sempat nak jatuh terpelesok ayah sempat menahan dengan lengan sambil kuat menahan dengan sebatang club dia. Masa tu..tak seronok mendengar, yelah..ibu telefon, takkan takat nak dengar..ye ye ok ok babai aje?..berat hati jugak tapi masa tu memang tak dapat nak drive back. School week, budak-budak masih bersekolah. Weekend tu pun memang takde plan nak balik..ada open house...plan nak buat garden sikit. Jadi kita tak offer kan diri untuk balik. Ibu pun tak minta kita balik. Rasanya OK kot.
Sabtu pagi kita terima missed called dari ibu mertua. Kita called balik, rupanya dia terdail nombor kita. Tapi sempat jugak dia bercerita update mana yang patut...haidan (anak buah)...kat hospital. Terkena batang golf masa tengah golf lesson. Habis kena jahitan di dahi..pengsan tapi tak serius. So tengahari dalam hujan lebat kononnya nak ke open house di Kajang terpaksa dibatalkan. Tersalah jalan...terlambat jadi terus kami batalkan. Petang di rumah Haris, mengadap program rugbynya...ibu telefon lagi. Bertanya khabar budak-budak sempat lagi dia cakap "balik laaa aida..rindu sangat kat budak-budak tu.." Kita menjawab "ada plan la ibu..tapi next week kita balik laa..." Ibu macam merajuk..kata OK terus letak handphone dia. Kita dah tak sedap hati, walau pun ibu tak memaksa..kita rasa dia sunyi. Petang tu jugak, kita minta kebenaran dari Haris nak balik seremban. Haris tak halang, tapi tak la jugak nampak seronok. Dia sibuk nak tengok rugby tapi minta tinggalkan Hazrik.."tak syiok tinggal sorang" katanya...Yelah tu..ntah ntah takut.

6pm...kita drive back dengan Hakeem & Maira. Bad teman sekali. Ibu nampak seronok. Ayah senget tapi ceria melayan Hakeem. Malam tu..kami keluar makan. Ayah bawa kami ke kedai dia ampangan, pekena lamb chop, chicken chop..fish & chips. Maira tidur denga Tok wan malam tu. Pagi Ahad ibu kejut breakfast...dia nak buat jemput-jemput. Hari tu hujan lebat. Dalam tengah sakit-sakit dada..ayah bercerita insiden jatuh longkangnya. So sekarang seminggu dia kena berehat..or else macam mana nak masuk tournament seminggu lagi. Ayah nampak OK syukur alhamdulillah, cuma sengal di sana sini.

Tapi tak banyak sikit..bila kami balik sekejap tu...riuh la seketika rumah seremban...mungkin keputusan kita nak balik menjenguk adalah keputusan yang patut di buat. Bila ibu ayah nampak ceria, hati kita pun rasa puas...Bila dah berkeluarga, terkadang kita terpaksa membahagikan masa. Dulu masa bujang, takat nak balik Seremban tu...takde hal lah! Plus Highway tu macam tak jauh..sanggup meredah jam...kalau dah janji nak balik, kenalah balik. Sekarang, tak macam dulu..lebih-lebih lagi anak-anak dah mula sekolah. Alangkah baiknya kalau duduk berdekatan. Takat nak jumpa anytime ajer!...Cuma bila tergerak hati nak pulang ke Seremban..tak semudah itu. Tapi...selepas weekend tu, kita rasa bersyukur..walaupun sekejap..bila tengok ibu ayah sihat & ceria...priceless!

Doa Seorang Ibu

Takde seorang ibu yang tergamak melihat anaknya sakit, menderita, papa & susah. Kalau ada lah kita dengar ibu-ibu yang sanggup tinggalkan anak kerana lelaki..atau biarkan anak-anaknya merempat tanpa perlindungan...then kita sendiri akan kata ibu tu gila. Seorang ibu yang normal, takkan dan tak mungkin sanggup. Tapi kekadang nilai kasih sayang setiap ibu mungkin tak sama. Berdasarkan personaliti masing-masing, setiap ibu mempunyai cara masing-masing. Ada yang terlalu protective, ada yang terlalu liberal. Ada ibu yang beri sepenuh kebebasan pada anak-anak menilai (jika anak tu dah besar panjang) dan ada sering beri pendapat..dan mungkin ada juga yang pikir dia beri pendapat tapi sebenarnya dia nak anak dia tu terima aje pendapat dia.

Betul ke tak betul cara tu...bukan tempat kita nak menilai. Yang kita tahu...untuk anak-anak kita sendiri..I want them to be the best that they can be. Setiap pengalaman, diberinya pengajaran..."Mai tak boleh expect semua yang Mai minta akan dapat..."...kena amik masa nak explain benda-benda buruk dan baik, bukan asyik nak marah aje. Tapi kekadang tu kena juga berkeras kalau cara lembut tak berkesan "No computer and games for the whole week..how can you forget your homework? Main game tak lupa pulak?!!" Ada masanya jugak, rasuah berkesan tapi kena pilih waktu yang sesuai..consider it sebagai ganjaran la..bukannya nak minta dia ikut cakap kita.."OK..OK..boleh makan maggi..tapi lepas ni jangan minta..Janji tak memekak..Ibu ada kijer sikit nie."

Kalau kita faham, apa sebenarnya tanggungjawab seorang ibu nie, kita tak akan perlekehkan masa yang kita gunakan. Sebenarnya, nak bela anak nie tak susah. Yang susah bila diorang menyakitkan hati..mengecilkan hati. Yang susah bila kita cuba untuk jadi tidak kecik hati. Kalau boleh tak mahu anak menanggung dosa.. Sekarang mungkin taklah..cos masih kecik lagi...tapi masa kecik ni la kita kena sentiasa mengingatkan mereka. Kena sentiasa hormat orang tua terumata ibu bapa sendiri.

Kita sentiasa mengingatkan diri, setiap waktu yang kita luangkan bersama mereka ada lah investment untuk masa depan. Bayangkanlah..masa anak-anak tu kecik lagi kita jarang nak spend time, masakan mereka dewasa, mereka nak luangkan lebih masa untuk kita? Simple calculations kan..kalau dalam sehari ada 24 jam..tolak 8jam bekerja...8jam waktu tidur...tinggal 8 jam. Then katakanlah..malam tu anak ada kelas tuition or mengaji..abis 2 jam kesitu..1 jam dia buat homework..ada 4 jam..berapa keraplah masa kita luangkan untuk mereka. Those daily things matters..and those small things matters. Kita mungkin tak nampak tu sekarang tapi percayalah...kekadang 20 minit yang kita spend berborak dengan anak-anak tu yang waktu yang penuh makna..cos anak dapat beritahu kita apa yang diorang buat the whole day. Luangkan waktu dinner bersama...Nie waktu yang paling penting. Dah lah lunch memang jarang... Weekend is a different matter. Nak tunggu cuti sekolah, holiday untuk dapat quality time? Tak perlu..quality time is when you spend time reading for them, peek at their homework, make a mess in the kitchen to bake cookies...yang penting anak-anak tahu kita amik berat.

Doa seorang ibu..."Ya Allah, kau lindunglah anak-anak ku dari sebarang malapetaka, sebarang kesusahan dan kepayahan hidup..kau berilah mereka keyakinan diri untuk menjadi hambaMu yang taat. Dan agar mereka sentiasa menjadi anak yang soleh dan sayang menyayangi"